It is so funny every time i take my shirt off and there’s a voice inside my head that constantly repeats me not to look at my belly. isn’t it stupid? It is like there’s someone who says to me “Robs, don’t look at that, it’s gonna hurt you”.
And me, there I am so miserable and desperate, I just follow the flow. Thus, I do not look at my belly. I stare at the ceiling of my room, I stare at the wall or I close my eyes. But I do everything that I can to avoid my body. Even when I shower, it is like a song the comes out all the time that I am naked and just some words: do not look at that.
It’s sad, I don’t blame you.
But I remember the only time I did look at my body while I was naked and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. Anxiety started taking the control of my body and I felt like I was dying. I am dying. Is this even life? Is this even the way I am supposed to live it?
I do not remember any single day I’ve been spending not thinking about my weight, my body, my calories, my food. I wake and I feel guilty without even having opened my eyes yet. I feel like a piece of shit most of the time because I’d like to have any other thought in my head but the last 5 years someone entered my life and never left me. Something bad, terrible, that I’d never wish to anyone, not even my worst enemy.
This is not life guys, this is not love, this is not being happy. Judging myself and comparing me to a number, to a size, it’s not living, it’s not being pretty, it’s not being a person. It is just frustrating, miserable and useless.
Don’t you think that I would love waking up and just being normal? Just not thinking about my body or my thighs that are always so fat, or that donut that I ate last Monday at 4pm with the lemon icing that had 452 calories? Trust me, I’d love to. This shit is hard, it’s even harder ‘cause I am not able to talk about this to anyone except when I’m drunk and vulnerable and still counting the calories of all the glasses of wine that I’ve been drinking.
I am sorry, I wrote this shit again but this is the only way I have to feel a little bit emptier.
-Liz.
You said you were not judging me, and I know you didn’t want to. But at the end of the day, my dear, I was hurt.
Why was it so hard for you to accept me this way? You were just another one who made me believe I was so hard to love.. that was the only thing I really desired.
But I can’t beg you to stay. I can’t beg you to love me if it’s so hard to live with what I am.
I wish you wouldn’t give up on me so early, I wish I could erase all my past but, my dear, that’s not possible. and you know it.
I wish you could have seen the real me. I begged you to not base your assumptions on something so superficial, but you did.
I wish I could have more time to show you how you wanted to see me.
It hurt me so much, your words were so sharp that got deep underneath my skin. They were so powerful that for the first time after a while I was able to feel something again. although I was hoping to feel something different than pain, hate and the taste of my tears at night.
I already miss you, my dear. I know the “but” will come at the end.
I know the feeling when someone is leaving me. When you feel that distance that you cannot fill up. There is a point in certain relationships when there is nothing left. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to fix it, it just doesn’t work.
And I feel like I have failed again in my life. When I tried so hard but it wasn’t enough, when I wanted to love you with all my heart but I just ended up hating every inch of skin. When just the sound of your voice was making me feel weak that I couldn't stand to look into your eyes.
Do you know how it feels to cry at night when there is nothing you can do to stop this pain
It’s been quite a while since the last time I wrote a post about my illness. I’ve received a couple of messages asking me how I was doing. Well, I am kinda doing right. Meaning that I was able to accept my body, sort of. Although I miss the way it was…when I was sick. (not always, I swear).
Mentally? I am fine too. Recently I found really hard liking someone, like i wasn’t even interested in seeing someone ‘cuz I didn’t see the reason why. I mean, of course, I found him/her attractive but that’s it. And tbh it is really frustrating when you want to be loved and loving someone so much but you just can’t.
It’s so funny how I said “I missed you” and you didn’t say anything. It broke me.
